Family culture development
FAMILY CULTURE + LEADERSHIP EXERCISE (FOR PARENTS)
Quarantine has provided many struggles, as well as opportunities. Families are spending so much time around each other that it can actually inhibit relationship (contrarily: absence makes the heart grow fonder).
So, how do you not only survive each other but also come together in meaningful ways? Here are some ways that have helped families as a therapist and mentor over the years…
Questions and Prompts - spend time alone and then together considering these honestly
1. What kind of family do I want to be a part of?
o A loving, close-knit family that spends time playing games and laughing together?
o A congenial family that has nightly dinners together and talks about how our days were?
o An entertaining family that goes out to dinner and a movie every Friday night?
o A challenging family who gives feedback in love, and discusses ideas and difficult cultural topics?
o A curious family that wants to try new fusion foods, recipes, vacation ideas, and taking things apart in order to find out how they work?
o Other?
2. How would I like to spend time with my family?
o Together during regular family nights?
o Spontaneous outings and errands?
o One-on-one time? Date nights with your spouse? Parent-child time?
o If I don’t want to spend time with them, why not?
3. What kinds of conversations are needed?
o Tech boundaries for the family?
o Sex talk with pre-teens?
o What have my kids learned from me on purpose? On accident?
4. If our family was a human body, which parts of the body would each of us be? And why?
o Exs. Brother is the heart because he’s so sensitive and at the center of our family. Mother is the blood because she nourishes everyone.
Experiences
1. Family Dinner
o Ask each person to reflect on their day. Some families use “roses and thorns” to talk about one encouraging and one challenging thing.
o BONUS POINTS for developing a culture of after-dinner walks to help with digestion before bed time and to expend any remaining energy so you all can sleep well.
2. Family night
o Choose one night per week when you will hangout together.
§ Maybe you pile everyone in your bed and watch TV (and vacuum the snack crumbs out off of your comforter afterward. haha!).
§ Read a book (series) together. Highly recommended: Harry Potter (available through online libraries)
o Or perhaps each person in your family gets to choose what you do on a weekly rotation
§ Someone picks the movie
§ Someone gets everyone to hop in the canoe
§ Someone chooses a song you learn to play together on the various musical instruments each of you know
3. Journals
o For myself and some of my clients, we have taken to keeping parent-child journals (mother-son, in my case) to deepen communication when it is otherwise difficult to speak in-person about heavy or important topics. I mail mine back and forth to my mother in who lives in Michigan. Around the house, it can be gifted one to another on the sly or presented during a certain time or family ritual*.
4. Family rituals*
o Singing and dancing. Save for church or concerts, when do you otherwise sing or dance with anyone else?? Are there showtunes your family loves that you can sing in the car? A sing-a-long playlist on Spotify with classics no one can keep from belting out? And have you ever tried Just Dance not the Nintendo Wii??
o Morning yoga to gently wake everyone up?
o Teach your kids a couple of Capoeira moves from that martial arts class in your 20s?
o After-dinner tea ceremonies?
5. Family sculpture
o Arrange the position, gesture, expression, and non-verbal communication of your family.
§ Note: a safe and creative space is needed for this exercise.
Schedule and Setup
1. Family conversation**
o The most important thing to keep in-mind is that building a culture takes time, trial + error, and communication. So, you will be collaborating with your family and casting a vision about who you could become together. And the process will be one of discovery, not determination. The difference therein being that you will be giving various ideas a fair shake—always feeling into them for what gains transaction with everyone. The purpose of culture is to bring people together and build identity. This starts with the question:
§ “What does it mean to be a <enter last name here>?”
1. In my family, ‘to be a Riske’ means that you are hardworking, industrious, creative, and sensitive. We are at our best as a family when we are tasked with a collective endeavor (i.e. serving in a Soup Kitchen, hosting a social function, etc). We also do well one-on-one because we tell so many stories to illustrate our points, and can spend hours over coffee and pie (we don’t like cake for some reason) doing so.
o Provide your children with the copy of this resource adapted for them. Let them know that you will have a family conversation** about their thoughts and feelings. They may feel a bit edgy about change, so reassure them by letting them know you are just brainstorming/dreamscaping with them because you value hearing what they want.
*times of shared resonant experience on a human level, regardless of relationship
**Contact TMC for a FREE consult with a parent coach online. Family meetings are also available online to guide family conversations.