Communication + Emotional Fluency

FAMILY COMMUNICATION

Quarantine has provided many struggles, as well as opportunities. Families are spending so much time around each other that it can actually inhibit relationship (contrarily: absence makes the heart grow fonder).

So, how do you not only survive each other but also come together in meaningful ways? Here are some ways that have helped families as a therapist and mentor over the years…

“I feel…” statements

1.    “I feel…”

o   This is when you simply identify your emotion

o   (See below for a feelings chart to help identify it)

2.    “I feel this way when…”

o   This is when you describe the instance in which you feel or felt this way

3.    “I feel this way because I think I…”

o   Here you identify the belief that leads you to feel the way you identified

o   This part answers the question: “what makes the way I feel make sense?”

o   Often times our emotional self can overtake our rational selves, so this is an exercise in balancing those experiences.  

·      Have you ever said or did something in the moment because it felt right to express your feelings that way, but then you sober up from the raw emotion only to apologize?  That’s pretty normal, but not the best way.  Identifying the underlying narrative for your feelings is important.

4.    “A hope inside of my control is that I…”

o   Here you find a way to take action with your feeling and circumstance.

o   You recognize the part you played in the situation and commit to acting in a way that is more aligned with who you want to be.

5.    “A hope outside of my control is…”

o   Now you can identify a hope that you cannot control. This is almost always a hope for another person, as we can never control others.

o   Communicating hopes is a more helpful way of setting expectations, because obligations and ultimatum rarely get the relational results we hope for.

4 R’s – Regrets, Resents, Respects, Requests

Accountability, honest, compassion, future

Other resources

1.    Non-violent communication

o   YouTube – Non-violent Communication 101

o   YouTube – Non-violent Communication 201